I think I found my groove. I found a way to make a little money that was honest and true to myself. I believe in the things I create. I believe in making beautiful things with the vintage inspired materials that I love. I believe in repurposing, I believe in individualizing, I believe in putting love, sweat and tears into what I create. So my friends, I present to you- the first "Another Round Please" catalog. Enjoy!
because we haven't always been friends, friendly, loving
in fact, just last fall was the first time in about 6 years that we
hugged, said I love you, I miss you, I forgive you
she's really very sick
and I don't know what to do to help
so I call, I listen to her struggling to breath,
telling her she doesn't have to talk to me if she's feeling out of breath
but I get the feeling that she's talking so much because it's been so long
and who knows.... anything could happen
and that really frightens me
and I don't know what to do with all those feelings...
because they're very new to me
it's really hard for me to imagine that she's so weak that she fell and couldn't move
it's very difficult to hear that she couldn't even yell for help
she was always mighty, always loud, I was really afraid of that as a child
because it was powerful, it was painful, all that yelling...
all that smacking around
and now she can't stand up? or talk? or breathe?
seriously? I can't even imagine that!
it just doesn't seem right,
She has a rare blood disease
and it's really hurting her
and she's in the hospital
and she's lost so much
like her job
her health insurance
and almost all of her children's respect
but here I am, healing after six years
while she tries with all her might to heal herself
and it's not looking too good right now
So what I do is to look for services that can help her when she gets out
meals, nursing care, health insurance, social security
community support, etc. etc. etc
THAT is what I can do
oh- and tell her that I love her
because I do
I love her
good news: kidneys are out of danger bad news: blood clots are in both her legs and lungs. PLEASE let the bloodthinners work! more bad news: moving her to a larger hospital, trying to find a blood donor match for a transfusion
This morning I woke up sad. Flashes of my dreams ran like a slideshow across my memory. It was a dream of disappointment. I dreamed that my anger made me physically hurt someone because my children were exposed to something they weren't ready for. I dreamed that I was taken advantage of although the dream included me, fighting back. I dreamed that one person that I can always call on for strong support told me that she just couldn't listen to me anymore. I dreamed that I lied to her, to convince her that I wasn't asking for what I usually asked for and she fell for it. I dreamed that I drove a car through a thrift store because I wanted to intimidate the shoppers who were stealing MY good deals.
I'm awake now. WIDE awake and wondering what the hell that was all about. Awake and saddened by what my brain put me through last night. Why does that happen? As if I didn't feel enough heartache during the day, my head thought I could handle more heartache in my sleep?
Lately I've been feeling like I lost. I feel like I lost a relationship with some of my family members. It's just not the same, something happened in the past year and I feel like it caused a big shut down. It hurts.
I've been feeling the loss of my marriage lately too. Although I'm in a MUCH better place feeling MUCH more peace, still..... it hurts.
I've been feeling like I can't find my place in most of my relationships with those around me. I reflect so much lately on mistakes that I've made with those I love and reflecting on way too many times that I let myself speak before thinking about what I was going to say, how I was going to say it and what the impact of what I was going to say might have on the person I said it to.
I think these dreams happened because I need to take a better look at what is going on. Am I too angry? Am I feeling guilty? Am I feeling like I lost control?
Maybe I'll dream all the answers that I need tonight.
Until then, I'm going to try my best today to shake that feeling of sadness that woke me up this morning.