Dream a little dream

This morning I woke up sad.  Flashes of my dreams ran like a slideshow across my memory.  It was a dream of disappointment.  I dreamed that my anger made me physically hurt someone because my children were exposed to something they weren't ready for.  I dreamed that I was taken advantage of although the dream included me, fighting back.  I dreamed that one person that I can always call on for strong support told me that she just couldn't listen to me anymore.  I dreamed that I lied to her, to convince her that I wasn't asking for what I usually asked for and she fell for it.  I dreamed that I drove a car through a thrift store because I wanted to intimidate the shoppers who were stealing MY good deals.  

Ugh.

I'm awake now.  WIDE awake and wondering what the hell that was all about.  Awake and saddened by what my brain put me through last night.  Why does that happen?  As if I didn't feel enough heartache during the day, my head thought I could handle more heartache in my sleep?

Lately I've been feeling like I lost.  I feel like I lost a relationship with some of my family members.  It's just not the same, something happened in the past year and I feel like it caused a big shut down.  It hurts.

I've been feeling the loss of  my marriage lately too.  Although I'm in a MUCH better place feeling MUCH more peace, still..... it hurts.
I've been feeling like I can't find my place in most of my relationships with those around me.  I reflect so much lately on mistakes that I've made with those I love and reflecting on way too many times that I let myself speak before thinking about what I was going to say, how I was going to say it and what the impact of what I was going to say might have on the person I said it to.
I think these dreams happened because I need to take a better look at what is going on.  Am I too angry?  Am I feeling guilty?  Am I feeling like I lost control?
Maybe I'll dream all the answers that I need tonight.
Until then, I'm going to try my best today to shake that feeling of sadness that woke me up this morning.

Art is a Feeling

Wise declaration, brought to you by Iris Mae

I think in the next few weeks, I'm going to be doing a lot of "feeling" about my art.  Right now I've been making lots of sweet little goodies and selling them at a local store. But they're cutesy and crafty and made specifically to make a buck or two.  I'm going to figure out what I want to do for ME. I had a little something going at wishstudio but I know that sweet Mindy is also doing a lot of "feeling" about art and so my work there is on hold for now... which is good timing for me since I don't feel confident in what the heck I'm doing.

So... there's that.

Art IS a feeling, and sometimes that feeling is confidence and sometimes it's confusion.  I hope to feel inspiration soon.

I think I'll start with re-vamping this blog.  I'm leaving this shell of design until I figure out what will feel right to me... so stay tuned.

Peace out

no excuses

ever since I moved to this tiny, spaceless apartment I've been using it as an excuse for not CREATING... and it really is and excuse but I just don't feel inspired here.

but my friend Mindy offered the perfect solution.

and I took her up on it.

and you can read about it:

here

rising

whooooooooosssssssshhhhhhhh!

(blowing the dust off this blog)

I'm thinking of rising up again... standing tall and proud on the blog... you with?

etsy-ing it up

look who has an etsy shop!

Another Round Please is now open for business...

(please excuse the lack of wreaths, I'm making them as fast as I can and selling them QUICKLY!)

RAW

I drove to NH last Tuesday night... so nervous that I was doing something so crazy... driving 2 hours after a long workday and then back home? I'm glad I don't take myself seriously sometimes because it was a beautiful trip.
Here's what happened:
It started with this




which turned into this

where I met these lovely ladies: (please click thier names, you won't be sorry, some of them have beautifully captured our magical get-together)


Nina (the whole self) our beautiful hostess

Jenica (out of ashes)

Mindy (under a pink sky) and (wishstudio)

Jill (finding my way)

Jess (seek your course)

Anna-Marie (sacred space studios)

Miranda (studio mothers) (creativity coaching for creative mothers) and (pen and press)

Teena (little bird by funky mommy)

and

Maya (this every moment) and (one paragraph at a time)

and ended with this:

CAKE break!

it is my usual customer to offer you up a cupcake (or two or ten) when I need to take a break from TRM to pull my shit together. But, since I have eaten them all myself due to an unusually high stress volume, I'll offer you a leftover slice of Sage's 11th Birthday cake- made gluten free by Sugar Plum Bakery.

During this time I hope to answer the following questions (or maybe you could just answer them for me)

1- did facebook kill my blog?

2- I made a committment to bring all my supplies here once my very dear friend moved, I sorted through what I could keep to work on productively while in my tiny little space... but haven't done a freaking thing. Where did that committment go?

3- I don't work for the devil anymore but I'm still feeling the burn. How do I heal from that?

4- co-parenting with an idiot. any ideas?

5- where the fuck is my red bracelet? Has anyone seen it?

6- dating. want to? need to? scared to?

So there we have it... see you soon.

Eleven

Mr. Big Man is now fully immersed in the land of technology. Yup. It happened. He grew up and into the "I'm smarter than you are" phase and it's ok... as long as he maintains his outstanding gentleness and politeness skills. I can't believe he's eleven. And headed into middle school. It feels so strange that eleven years ago he was born, really sick, I was unable to hold him... just rub his little head with a steralized glove through a little hole in an incubator before he was rushed up to Boston, where they fixed him. Thank God for doctors.

He's smart, yes. But he's also thoughtful and hysterical. And he's my boy, and I'm proud of how he's growing.

Here are some great photos he's been taking lately:

Six

from stylish

to sassy


to so full of beauty and grace



You are six, you are wonderful and you are ours.

One Year

it's been one year since this

and I'm ok

I'm doing ok now.

In one year I had

people come out of the woodwork to pull me up,

rescuers near and far nursing me back to the land of the living

children to send to camp

a home to move

memories to pack up

or leave behind

or throw away

a camp to attend

creative projects to be involved in

efforts to make myself feel worth it

a child to send off to her first day of Kindergarten

and one to his first day of his last year in elementary school

a car to crash

a car to buy

a first holiday to make it through, which was spent with a dear friend and her loving family

a second holiday to make it through with help from my community

gifts of hope

and love

and a much more concrete plan to spend the day in celebration with my children

and then the new year

where I made it, after 5 years onto the state childcare subsidy program

spent time with my brother and his family in the snowy lovely woods of Maine

and went to see my loving sister and my beautiful nieces in the springtime rush of Georgia

and met the most JOYFUL women in my world

and had many bumps in the road in my work life

but stood my ground

and spoke from my heart in hopes of changing things

(still pending, but not entirely hopeless anymore)

I've taken care of the emotional needs of the children, especially the little one who has so many questions and only a limited amount of understanding as to why her life is so different now.

I've starting serving on a committee to enhance the arts in our schools here

which has been exciting and fulfilling.

I told the truth

and then explained the truth about the truth

I've

made it through countless childcare crises

money issues

sadness

pain

anger

a LOT of anger

and into the guidance of my Minister

who has given me fuel to make MY way

and told me that I have grace (who ME?)

and encouraged me to fight the good fight on behalf of my children

and their childcare

and a decision made without regard for the impact it would make on a few families in my town

and now I'm opening eyes

and encouraging spotlights to shine on the issue

and so far, so good in getting a response that MAY just change things

not only for myself but for the deserving families in this town.

I've been signing up for camps

getting scholarships to help

receiving news that my children will be aided in food and transportation to school next year

relieving one more worry that I can now put aside

In other words doing everything possible to take care of us, to take care of our needs, even if it means sucking it up and accepting help that is readily available.

Even if it means filling out miles and miles of paperwork and going to countless appointments.

Every effort

has been

entirely worth it

even if I don't sleep at night from worry

or geese

or a rooster

(myth: roosters only crow at dawn)

I've started getting back to ME

to my art

to my creativity

to my life

to my love

to my happy place.